Be Good & Do Good!

Tag: Forwards (Page 6 of 48)

Singh is King Contd.,

Boss: Where were you born?
Singh: Punjab..
Boss: which part?
Singh: Kya which part? Whole body born in Punjab.

2 Singh were fixing a bomb in a car.
Singh 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Singh 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Singh: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with “T”.
Singh: Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.

Singh joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Singh: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That’s a 500-year-old statue u’ve broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Banta: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is all India Radio!

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. …..
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup…

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu’s skeleton.
Tourist: Who’s that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu’s skeleton when he was child

Is US a Bailout Nation ? List of Bailouts in US

What is Bailout ?
A situation in which a business, individual or government offers money to a failing business in order to prevent the consequences that arise from a business’s downfall. Bailouts can take the form of loans, bonds, stocks or cash. They may or may not require reimbursement.

Investopedia Says:
Bailouts have traditionally occurred in industries or businesses that may be perceived no longer being viable, or are just sustaining huge losses. Typically, these companies employ a large number of people, leading some people to believe that the economy would be unable sustain such a huge jump in unemployment if the business folded.

Following is the trail of BAILOUT(S) happening ever n than in US.

Bailouts in USUS Crisis

1932 — The Hoover administration creates the Reconstruction Finance Corp. to facilitate economic activity by lending money in the Great Depression.

1933 — The Roosevelt administration creates the Home Owners’ Loan Corp. to buy $3 billion in bad mortgages from banks and refinance them to homeowners to stem a rise in foreclosures. The government makes a small profit.

1971 — Congress saves Lockheed Aircraft Corp., the nation’s biggest defense contractor, from bankruptcy by guaranteeing the repayment of $250 million in bank loans.

1979 — Congress and the Carter administration arrange for $1.2 billion in subsidized loans to bail out automaker Chrysler Corp., then the nation’s 10th-largest company. There ultimately was no significant cost to the government, since the loans were repaid.

1984 — Congress effectively takes over the ailing Continental Illinois National Bank and Trust, which failed with $40 billion of assets. The Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. injects $4.5 billion to buy bad loans.

1989 — Congress establishes the Resolution Trust Corp. to take over bad assets and make depositors whole. Resolving the S&L crisis takes six years and $125 billion in taxpayer money — roughly equal to $200 billion in today’s dollars.

1998 — The government brokers a $3.6 billion private bailout in the collapse of the Long-Term Capital Management hedge fund, although no government money is involved.

2001 — Congress authorizes $5 billion in cash after the Sept. 11 terror attacks to help shore up the airline industry and follows up with $10 billion in loan guarantees.

2008:

March 16 — The Federal Reserve agrees to guarantee $29 billion of Bear Stearns’ assets in connection with the government-sponsored sale of the investment bank to JPMorgan Chase & Co.

July 11 — Federal regulators seize IndyMac Bank’s assets after the mortgage lender succumbs to the pressures of tighter credit, falling home prices and rising foreclosures. The Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. says it will cost about $8.9 billion out of its $53 billion insurance fund.

Sept. 7 — The Treasury Department seizes teetering mortgage finance institutions Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, temporarily putting them in a government conservatorship with plans to inject up to $100 billion into each.

Sept. 16 — The government announces an $85 billion emergency loan to rescue American International Group Inc., the world’s largest insurance company, in return for a 79.9 percent stake in AIG.

Sept. 19 — The Bush administration announces a plan to let the government buy hundreds of billions of dollars of bad mortgages and other forms of toxic debt that have been weighing down U.S. financial companies.

Doesn’t this echoes US as Bailout Nation ?

Always Life doesn’t turn out the way we plan it

A woman was serving a life sentence in prison. Angry and resentful about her situation, she had decided that she would rather die than to live another year in prison.

Over the years she had become good friends with one of the prison caretakers. His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died in a graveyard just outside the prison walls. When a prisoner died, the caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone. The caretaker then got the body and put it in a casket. Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate before returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally, he put the casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it.

Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and shared it with the caretaker. The next time the bell rang, the woman would leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins were kept. She would slip into the coffin with the dead body while the caretaker was filling out the death certificate. When the care-taker returned, he would nail the lid shut and take the coffin outside the prison with the woman in the coffin along with the dead body. He would then bury the coffin. The woman knew there would be enough air for her to breathe until later in the evening when the aretaker would return to the graveyard under the cover of darkness, dig up the coffin, open it, and set her free.

The caretaker was reluctant to go along with this plan, but since he and the woman had become good friends over the years, he agreed to do it.

The woman waited several weeks before someone in the prison died. She was asleep in her cell when she heard the death bell ring. She got up and slowly walked down the hallway. She was nearly caught a couple of times. Her heart was beating fast. She opened the door to the darkened room where the coffins were kept. Quietly in the dark, she found the coffin that contained the dead body, carefully climbed into the coffin and pulled the lid shut to wait for the caretaker to come and nail the lid shut.

Soon she heard footsteps and the pounding of the hammer and nails. Even though she was very uncomfortable in the coffin with the dead body, she knew that with each nail she was one step closer to freedom. The coffin was lifted onto the wagon and taken outside to the graveyard. She could feel the coffin being lowered into the ground. She didn’t make a sound as the coffin hit the bottom of the grave with a thud. Finally she heard the dirt dropping onto the top of the wooden coffin, and she knew that it was only a matter of time until she would be free at last. After several minutes of absolute silence, she began to laugh. She was free! She was free! Feeling curious, she decided to light a match to find out the identity of the dead prisoner beside her.

To her horror, she discovered that she was lying next to the dead caretaker.

Many people believe they have life all figured out….. but sometimes it just doesn’t turn out the way they planned it.

Think of a ‘Plan B’ !

Sardar Jokes Contd.,

Santa: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.

*********

A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell. Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I’m coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

*********

Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn’t come back yet!
Santa: Why don’t u cook something else?

**********

Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?
Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..

***********

Ultimate answer while changing the job.
Interviewer: Why did you change your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn’t tell me where.

************

Santa’s wife dies. He is calm, but his wife’s lover is crying furiously…
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don’t worry buddy, I will marry again.

************

Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.

************

Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home. The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.
After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back seat.

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Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to Punjab ,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to Punjab and made a local call.

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Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital ki jagah pizza
hut kyun leja raha hai………
Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein ‘Delivery Free’ hai..

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Sardarji aapko bus me logo ne kyu mara?
Sardarji: Are yaar mere photo bus me niche gir gaya aur mene kaha madam jara sari upper kijiye photo lena hai…..

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A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab…
Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.

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One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

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Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.

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American says: ‘ US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai..’
Sardarji says: ‘ India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti hai…!!!’

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Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?
Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge

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Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya

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Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.

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Pathan sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
When a person asked what he was doing?
He replied, Oye! Higher studies yaar.

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2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.

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A sardar learning english introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar,
this is my sardarni,
he is my kid,
& she is my kidney.

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Sardar 1: I’m very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone
& saved 1/2 money.
Sardar 2: You r nothing I saved all my money, my friend was
going & I sent my wife with him

Marc Faber comment on US economy

Investment analyst and entrepreneur Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:

”The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I’ve been doing my part.’

Source : Based on a forward received.

Worst stampedes in the world

Death never comes as welcomed, it comes without invitation and sometime even the same can knock your door when you are completely away from it somewhere in God’s Arena !!

Its Irorny but its the truth of how disaster our human life is .. .

Following is a short chronology of some of the worst stampedes in the last 20 years:

* March 1988: In Kathmandu, 70 fans are killed after a stampede towards locked exits in a hailstorm at Nepal’s national soccer stadium, the country’s worst civilian disaster.

* July 1990: 1,426 pilgrims are crushed to death inside al-Muaissem tunnel near Mecca in Saudi Arabia. The accident occurs on Eid al-Adha (The Feast of Sacrifice), Islam’s most important feast at the end of the annual Haj pilgrimage.

* May 1994: In Saudi Arabia, a stampede near Jamarat Bridge kills 270 where pilgrims hurl stones at piles of rocks symbolising the devil.

* April 1998: One hundred and nineteen Muslim pilgrims are crushed to death at the Haj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia.

* May 2001: In Ghana, 126 people are killed after a stampede at Accra’s main soccer stadium when police fire teargas at rioting fans in one of Africa’s worst soccer disasters.

* February 2004: A stampede kills 251 Muslim pilgrims in Saudi Arabia near Jamarat Bridge during the ritual stoning of the devil at the annual Haj pilgrimage.

* January 2005: At least 265 Hindu pilgrims, including several women and children, are killed near a remote temple in India’s Maharashtra state.

* August 2005: At least 1,005 people die in Iraq when Shi’ites stampede off a bridge over the Tigris river in Baghdad panicked by rumours of a suicide bomber in the crowd.

* January 2006: Three hundred and sixty-two Muslim pilgrims are crushed to death at the eastern entrance of Mena’s Jamarat Bridge when pilgrims jostled to perform the stoning ritual between noon and sunset.

* February 2006: Seventy-one people are killed at a stadium in Manila as they scrambled to get into a popular Philippine television game show.

* September 2006: At least 51 people are killed in a Yemeni stadium where President Ali Abdullah Saleh was holding a pre-election rally in the southern province of Ibb.

* August 2008: Rumours of a landslide triggers a stampede by pilgrims in India at the Naina Devi temple, in Bilaspur district, in Himachal Pradesh. At least 145 people were killed and more than 100 people injured.

Depression in US Economic Market – Why & When it all started

So u people must be wondering…that whats going on in the market…?? Whys there a sudden & so desperate bloodbath……..going on in the markets. There s a brief reason as to why it all started..from.!!!! Precisely summarised the current Economic crisis in US

IT all began with the sub-prime crisis. If you lost you money in the market crash of January 2008, here’s the route to your loss, in chronological order.

2001-2005: House prices in the US begin to rise rapidly. Banks lend aggressively and create a sub prime industry.
Sub-prime lending refers to lending (at slightly higher interest rates) to people who may not be eligible for a loan under normal circumstances. Maybe they don’t have a regular job or income, or have defaulted in the past.
Banks traditionally did not lend to such people due to high risk of default. But since these loans were mortgaged against property and property prices were rising continuously, banks started doing so. If customers defaulted, they good sell the mortgaged property.

2005: The booming housing market halted abruptly in many parts of the US.

2006: Prices are flat, home sales fall.

February 2007: Sub-prime industry collapses in the US; more than 25 sub-prime lenders declare bankruptcy, announce significant losses, or put themselves up for sale.
While they were lending, banks did not factor in the possibility of a fall in property prices. When the Federal Bank (the US equivalent of RBI) started increasing interest rates, the sub-prime borrowers started defaulting and banks started selling off the mortgaged properties. As more and more properties came into the market for selling, the property prices fell.

August 2007: Many leading mortgage lenders in the US filed for bankruptcy

March 2008: Bear Sterns falls.

September 2008: Lehman Brothers file for bankruptcy. Merrill Lynch sells off to Bank of America. Between 2001 and 2006, the US financial markets had developed a new product – a bond securitised against the mortgages.

In simple terms it means that the mortgage banks borrowed money against the mortgages on the condition that they would repay to lenders as soon as they recovered their mortgages. The lenders in this case were financial institutions (like Bear Sterns, Lehman and Merril Lynch) who in turn sold retail bonds to individuals.

Sadly, the repayment never happened. And institutions like Bear Sterns, Lehman, Merrill Lynch and AIG were the casualties. Since the mortgages were not honoured, the banks could not repay these financial institutions who in turn could not repay retail investors.

How to stay awake in meetings

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring conference calls?
Here’s a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5″ x 5″ is a good size. Divide the card into columns – five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or “the truth is”)
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”
Testimonials from satisfied players:
· “I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won.” – Adam, Atlanta
· “My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.” – David, Florida
· “What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win.” – Dan, New York City
· “The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box.” – Ben, Denver
· “The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed ‘BULLSHIT!’ for the third time in two hours.” – Paul, Cleveland

21 Years of Marriage

After 21 years of marriage,
I discovered a new way of keeping alive the spark of love.

A little while ago, I had started to go out with another woman.
It was really my wife’s idea. “I know that you love her,” she said one day,
taking me by surprise. “But I love YOU too,” I protested.
“I know, but you also love her.”

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother,
who had been a widow for 19 years,
but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.
“What’s wrong, are you well,” she asked?
My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.
“I thought that it would be pleasant to pass some time with you,”
I responded. “Just the two of us.”
She thought about it for a moment then said “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up,
I was a bit nervous.
When I arrived at her house,
I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date.

She waited in the door with her coat on.
She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary.

She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s.
“I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,” she said, as she got into the car.
“They can’t wait to hear about our meeting”.

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy.
My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady.
After we sat down, I had to read the menu.
Her eyes could only read large print.

Half way through the entree,
I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me.
A nostalgic smile was on her lips.
“It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I respond.

During the dinner we had an agreeable conversation
– nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each others life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.
As we arrived at her house later, she said
“I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you”.
I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home.
“Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later my mother died of a massive heart attack.
It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her.

Some time later I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined.
An attached note said:

“I paid this bill in advance.
I was almost sure that I couldn’t be there but, never-the-less, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife.
You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you.”

At that moment I understood the importance of saying, in time:

“I LOVE YOU”
and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.
Nothing in life is more important than God and your family.

55 word stories

Author : Veerabhadra Siva Sanjeev K.

The suicide
I woke up from my bed only to find her hanging to the ceiling. ‘My wife was killed by some one’ I couldn’t even digest the fact. The police were at the place in a few minutes. Just below her body was mine with a knife stabbed in my heart and her fingerprints on it.

The headache
I was having a splitting headache. I gulped a tablet. I applied a balm. No avail. And finally I removed a hammer and started banging it onto the head. First time and the pain reduced. Second time and it reduced even further. And third time. All my three roommates lie in a pool of blood.

Wrong number
“Hello,” a sweet voice called me up on my mobile. “Is this Rakesh?” she asked. “No ma’am, wrong number, but you can still talk to me,” I said as I was bored at my workplace. “Come home in the evening and the pan will do the talking,” the voice said and she cut the call.

Why should boys have all the fun
“Shhh.. Don’t shout. We’ll start to Goa tomorrow. Nobody’s gonna tell the guys,” the girls were contemplating in the next room. Having overheard the conversation, I said “Destination Goa.” We were off to Goa. Two days later, we don’t find the girls in Goa.
“Guys, where have you all been? We are enjoying at home”

My monkey wife
“I woke up today morning when I looked at the window. I then saw this monkey so huge and fair and dressed up well, imitate me.” I was trying to make fun of my wife, who normally imitates me, by calling her a monkey.
“You call this window?” my wife asked pointing to a mirror.

The Split
I slowly placed my head on the wooden platform and she slowly raised the axe. I closed my eyes in fear and she gripped the handle firmly in her hands. I said my last prayers and ‘thud’ fell the axe onto the wood splitting it apart. She was in Tokyo and I was in California.

My first love
The first time I saw her, she was shaking her body in the aerobics class. I almost drooled over her beauty. She looked at me and smiled. The world beneath me vanished and the sky appeared to be coming closer towards me. I opened my arms wide open and said, “Illeana darling, I love you”

The portrait trilogy
At the museum, we reached a dark place. Three portraits were hanging. In the first, a bloody ghoul was feeding on a woman. In the second, a demon ripped apart itself and in the third there was a female, still and calm. “Damn, She moved” I shouted. “Stupid fool, that’s a mirror,” my wife remarked.

The hitchhiker
A beautiful girl on the highway was flashing two fingers. I crossed her and looked at her, through the rear view mirror. She was gone. Next moment she was behind me in my car. I swerved left and hit a tree. Later, a truck driver came that way and saw the girl showing three fingers.

The race
I was driving home when a car vroomed past me. I started to race with that Civic. Swerving to the left and cutting across the lane, I was about to overtake it when I showed my finger and then vanished from sight. Later that night, my dad asked me the meaning of showing the finger.

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