Ye Meri Life Hai - Chirag Mehta

Be Good & Do Good!

Tag: Fun (page 3 of 49)

Funny funnier funniest

Yeh hai mumbai meri jaan………………….

A recent incident saw one such hapless victim falling prey to the overenthusiastic nature of Bombay’s local train commuters. Our hero, a man from Pune, wanted to go to Matunga, but as luck and trains would have it, boarded a fast train not halting at his destination. He panicked on realising his mistake but by then the local had started moving. On seeing his plight, a sympathetic co-passenger decided to come to his rescue. It seemed that he had been commuting by that particular train (6:03pm Kasara Fast) for the past 6 years and had noticed that the train always slowed down just before Matunga station and crawled at a snail’s pace while passing through it. He told the man to jump out of the running train as it slowed down and that with a little bit of fleet-footedness, he would make it safely on terra firma. However, knowing the man’s inexperience, he added some words of caution:

“Keep running the moment you jump or you’ll fall. Just keep running.” He stressed the word “running” lest the man not know the laws of motion. The train did slow down just before Matunga station and at the prompting of his mentor, our hero jumped out of the train and started running as if all hell had broken loose. What he didn’t realise, of course, was that he was running parallel to the train instead of running away from it. Meanwhile, the train slowed down further, so that the man was running faster than the train.

In the process, he reached the door of the next compartment and the footboard commuters there pulled him in thinking he was trying to board the train! To his agony, the train picked up speed and sped past Matunga and his new co-passengers started to congratulate him on how lucky he had been, until he told them that they had actually undone what he had done with great difficulty. Those standing at the door of his “ex-compartment” had witnessed the whole drama and just couldn’t stop laughing at the poor man’s situation, while he grinned sheepishly.

Yeh hai mumbai meri jaan………………….

YOU CAN’T WIN WITH WOMEN

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led to an argument andneither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.’ The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!’

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Singh is King Contd.,

Boss: Where were you born?
Singh: Punjab..
Boss: which part?
Singh: Kya which part? Whole body born in Punjab.

2 Singh were fixing a bomb in a car.
Singh 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Singh 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Singh: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with “T”.
Singh: Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.

Singh joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Singh: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That’s a 500-year-old statue u’ve broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Banta: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is all India Radio!

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. …..
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup…

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu’s skeleton.
Tourist: Who’s that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu’s skeleton when he was child

Lyrics of Aankh Hain Bhari Bhari Song

Following are lyrics of one of my favorite song from “Tumse Accha Kaun Hai” Movie …

Music By Nadeem-Shravan
Lyrics By Sameer
Performed by Alka Yagnik

Aankh Hain Bhari Bhari Aur Tum Muskurane Ki Baat Karte Ho
Aankh Hain Bhari Bhari Aur Tum Muskurane Ki Baat Karte Ho
Zindagi Khafa Khafa Aur Tum Dil Lagane Ki Baat Karthe Ho
Aankh Hain Bhari Bhari Aur Tum Muskurane Ki Baat Karte Ho

Mere Haalat Aisi Hai Ki Main Kuch Kar Nahin Sakta
Mere Haalat Aisi Hai Ki Main Kuch Kar Nahin Sakta
Tadapta Hai Yeh Dil Lekin Yeh Aahen Bhar Nahin Sakta
Zakhm Hai Hara Hara Aur Tum Chot Khaane Ki Baat Karte Ho
Zindagi Khafa Khafa Aur Tum Dil Lagane Ki Baat Karthe Ho
Aankh Hain Bhari Bhari Aur Tum Muskurane Ki Baat Karte Ho

Zamane Mein Bhala Kaise Mohabbat Log Karte Hai
Zamane Mein Bhala Kaise Mohabbat Log Karte Hai
Wafa Ke Naam Ki Ab To Shikayat Log Karte Hai
Aag Hai Buji Buji Aur Tum Lau Jalane Ki Baat Karte Ho
Zindagi Khafa Khafa Aur Tum Dil Lagane Ki Baat Karthe Ho
Aankh Hain Bhari Bhari Aur Tum Muskurane Ki Baat Karte Ho

Kabhi Jo Khwaab Dekha To Mili Parchiyaan Mujhko
Kabhi Jo Khwaab Dekha To Mili Parchiyaan Mujhko
Muhje Mehfil Ki Khwaaish Thi Mili Tanhaaiyan Mujhko
Har Taraf Dua Dua Aur Tum Aashiyaane Ki Baat Karthe Ho
Zindagi Khafa Khafa Aur Tum Dil Lagane Ki Baat Karthe Ho
Aankh Hain Bhari Bhari Aur Tum Muskurane Ki Baat Karte Ho

Sardar Jokes Contd.,

Santa: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.

*********

A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell. Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I’m coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

*********

Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn’t come back yet!
Santa: Why don’t u cook something else?

**********

Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?
Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..

***********

Ultimate answer while changing the job.
Interviewer: Why did you change your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn’t tell me where.

************

Santa’s wife dies. He is calm, but his wife’s lover is crying furiously…
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don’t worry buddy, I will marry again.

************

Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.

************

Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home. The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.
After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back seat.

====================================

Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to Punjab ,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to Punjab and made a local call.

========================================

Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital ki jagah pizza
hut kyun leja raha hai………
Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein ‘Delivery Free’ hai..

========================================

Sardarji aapko bus me logo ne kyu mara?
Sardarji: Are yaar mere photo bus me niche gir gaya aur mene kaha madam jara sari upper kijiye photo lena hai…..

==============================================

A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab…
Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.

=================================================

One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

=================================================

Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.

=================================================

American says: ‘ US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai..’
Sardarji says: ‘ India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti hai…!!!’

=================================================

Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?
Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge

=======================================================

Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya

=========================================================

Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.

==============================================

Pathan sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
When a person asked what he was doing?
He replied, Oye! Higher studies yaar.

==============================================

2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1 Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1 Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.

==============================================

A sardar learning english introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar,
this is my sardarni,
he is my kid,
& she is my kidney.

==============================================

Sardar 1: I’m very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone
& saved 1/2 money.
Sardar 2: You r nothing I saved all my money, my friend was
going & I sent my wife with him

Marc Faber comment on US economy

Investment analyst and entrepreneur Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:

”The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I’ve been doing my part.’

Source : Based on a forward received.

Hubert Chang – Third co-founder of Google ?

Following story from IBNLive.com is interesting, someone after 11 years claims that he too is a founder of Google !! . Isnt that really surprising ?

Also to add there comes in a Indian Born US Professor who links third founder Chang with Sergey Brin and Larry Page.

So the story starts as follows ……

A man, who calls himself Hubert Chang, has released a web video published on Vimeo, in which he has claimed that he is one of the co-founders of Google.

However, his authenticity is being questioned as to why he waited 11 years to make his declaration.

In the video, Chang has claimed that he helped Google co-founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page design the search giant in February 1997.

“The design includes the search engine algorithm, the business model (also called AdSense and AdWords), the name of the company, the outline of the system architecture, a corporation culture like a grad school, and Google’s growing path,” Sydney Morning Herald quoted Chang, as saying.

Google has already released a statement claiming that Chang”s claims are completely baseless, but it did not deny that Page and Brin had met him.

Chang claims that he abandoned Google 11 years back because of his father’s desire for him to complete his PhD at New York University.

Today, though, Google has a market capitalisation of 138 billion US dollars. And Page and Brin are worth 16 billion US dollars each, according to Forbes.

Chang says that Page and Brin asked him in September 1997 whether he would like to put his name on the academic paper that first described the Google search system, but he declined the offer so he could focus on his studies.

He said that the decision was difficult, uncomfortable and, in hindsight, unwise, but it “made sense” at the time.

Chang says that it was Stanford computer science professor Rajeev Motwani, who first introduced him to Brin and Page.

However, Motwani told InformationWeek that though he may have passed on a few emails but Chang’s claims were “completely unfounded in reality”.

“After viewing this tape, some people might think I’m lying, some might think I’m crazy, some might be upset, while others will consider I’m honest. But the tape has to be made,” said Chang.

Chang has also claimed that he did try to contact Page and Brin after finishing his PhD in 2002 but they ignored him. Chang claims that it may be because they were either busy, did not know how to position him or did not want to “fully acknowledge the past”.

In the video he does not explain why he waited 11 years to come forward and neither did he respond to a request for an interview.

On the other hand Google said that Page and Brin had “no recollection” of meeting Chang, “however, given the number of people they’ve met in the last decade it’s impossible to say categorically that they never have”.

Google said: “Rajeev Motwani, the Professor and Director of Graduate Studies at Stanford, believes he may have shared some emails from Mr Chang with Larry and Sergey in 1997 or 1998. But in any case PageRank had already been developed by that time and was a working prototype.”

How to stay awake in meetings

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring conference calls?
Here’s a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5″ x 5″ is a good size. Divide the card into columns – five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or “the truth is”)
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”
Testimonials from satisfied players:
· “I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won.” – Adam, Atlanta
· “My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.” – David, Florida
· “What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win.” – Dan, New York City
· “The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box.” – Ben, Denver
· “The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed ‘BULLSHIT!’ for the third time in two hours.” – Paul, Cleveland

For Beauty on rail, Blue is in – Rail Sundaris

Source : TimesOfIndia.com

Exclusive picture(from TOI) of the first batch deployed in Darjeeling Himalayan Railway

Rail Hostesses

From November, rail sundaris to welcome passengers and serve snacks on Mumbai-Delhi Rajdhani Express

The ‘rail-hostesses’ who will be deployed on select trains will be dressed in smart blue trousers, white shirts and waistcoats.

Railway officials said the uniform was chosen keeping in mind the difficulties of working on a running train. “They cannot wear saris or skirts like air-hostesses because of the train’s movement but the alternative had to be attractive.

“This uniform was finalised keeping in mind decent appearance and comfort of the hostesses,” a senior official said. The first batch of rail-hostesses have been deployed on the Darjeeling Himalayan Railway (DHR). However, Mumbaikars will get a firsthand experience only in November when they will begin attending to passengers in A/C two-tier coaches on the Rajdhani Express trains running between Mumbai and Delhi.

Their job will be similar to that of air-hostesses. They will welcome passengers, serve snacks and meals. For overnight journeys, they will provide blankets and address passengers’ grievances.
Sanjay Goswami, manager, KBS Tours and Travels, which provided the first batch of rail-hostesses, says, “The aim is to match up to the air travel experience by improving the quality of on-board services. So far, the rail-hostesses have received a good response and lived up to the expectations of passengers.”

The company is deploying rail-hostesses in phases.
They will be introduced on the Kanchan Kanya Express and North Bengal Express on September 26 and on the Delhi-Sealdah Samparkranti Express and Delhi-Guwahati Samparkranti Express in October.

I MET MONEY ONE DAY

I MET MONEY ONE DAY I SAID YOU ARE JUST A PIECE OF PAPER.
MONEY SMILED AND SAID
“OFCOURSE I ‘M A PIECE OF PAPER, BUT I HAVEN’T SEEN A DUSTBIN YET, IN LIFE”

Older posts Newer posts